Coping With Grief - When Our Pet Leaves Us
My-Dog.info > Getting a Dog or Puppy
Our pets have a significantly shorter lifespan than the
average human, so the loss of a pet is something we need to be
prepared to accept. Nobody ever knows when their pets' time will
arrive; whether by sudden accident, chronic illness, or old age.
Sometimes, a pet needs to leave us. Understanding our feelings is
a very important part of the healing and coping process.
It is normal to feel many very strong emotions surrounding the
time of loss. It may seem at first like it is not really
happening. Experts term this denial, but perhaps it is more
related to us letting sink in the fact that our favorite furry
friend will not be meowing for a treat, or wagging a tail in
anticipation of a walk in the park. The very close tie we share
with our pets means that they are integrated into our everyday
routine, and often it is the disruption of this routine that
helps us to first start to acknowledge and accept the fact that
they are no longer beside us.
Some people like to make up a memorial to the pet; whether it
is a little scrap book of favorite photographs, memorabilia of
special shared occasions, paw prints, lock of hair, or other
memorial items in a box, celebrating your past time together is a
very healthy way to get through this time. Some people hold
memorial services, have ashes returned to their home mantle in an
urn, or have a movie of their favorite times together collated
into a video record. If the pet is buried, visits to the cemetery
can provide a private time to reminisce and gain closure.
Remember to focus on celebrating the tons of fun you had, and the
many ways that your pet enriched your life! Keeping a hold on
those wonderful memories will help you to cherish the pet after
they are gone forever, and move forward past your grief.
Note that generally, people deal effectively with the loss of
a pet, and experience sorrow without some of the other attendant
emotions. Often family, friends, and other pet-owning
acquaintances are a valuable resource to help you through your
time of loss, and suffice to help one pass through an
uncomplicated grief phase. Just talking about your pet with your
best friend can help a whole lot!
Sometimes, various degrees of anger or guilt occur. This may
seem curious at first, but it is a natural part of the emotional
spectrum we may (or may not) experience at the time of a loss.
Guilt may arise from feelings that care should have been sought
out sooner for a health problem, or because a decision was made
to euthanize the pet. Guilt is normal, but understand that time
cannot be turned back, and remind yourself that decisions you
made had the best interests of your PET in mind. Often financial
constraints play a role in the realm of guilty feelings. Perhaps
a treatment was not deemed affordable at the time a decision was
made, and the treatment now in retrospect, seems affordable
considering the current turn of events.
Remind yourself that sometimes, other financial constraints in
your life exist, and there can be circumstances where the
financial drain is a hardship on family. Also, perhaps the
potential for a good outcome and decent quality of life for your
pet was distant or non-existent, and the decision made for
euthanasia was the very best one to relieve suffering. Stick to
those thoughts that made sense at that time of decision. Don't
second-guess decisions you made before the death during your time
of current grief, because though there is a change in perspective
that may seem on the surface to be relevant to what you did, deep
inside you should remind yourself that you did the best you
could!
Anger is also normal, but remember to keep the situation in
perspective. Remember that these feelings will pass. If you feel
excessive anger against yourself, a family member, a person who
harmed the pet, or the veterinary health care team, professional
intervention may be really helpful to put things in perspective.
It may seem like blame needs to find a place. "What if"
questions can also lead to second-guessing in these situations.
The bottom line on anger is that once the grief is resolving,
those issues that seemed to generate bad feelings slip away along
with the many other emotions that we go through. Do remember that
your veterinary health care team is happy to help you understand
the loss, and to address the questions that may arise after the
fact.
GRIEF IS NORMAL. You should not be embarrassed about crying,
feeling sad, or the depth and breadth of feelings that well up.
How people experience grief, and the level to which they express
it varies widely, so make sure you allow yourself the leeway to
grieve in your own way, in your own time. If you have a short
grief, or a long grief, an intense grief, or a less intense
grief, this does not speak for or against the depth of feelings
you have for the pet. Rather, it reflects your very own personal
coping style and internal emotional environment. How we cope can
also be significantly affected by life around us. If a pet loss
occurs at the same time as a job loss, marital breakup, loss of a
family member or other major life stress, the grieving process
may become entwined with the other stresses that you are coping
with. For those who live alone, and lose their only pet,
transition can be especially difficult. If grief or other
emotions are causing you to be unable to function in your usual
role as parent, caregiver, friend, or worker etc., it may be time
to seek professional counselling. This is not something to be shy
about, and taking this step may provide you with the valuable
needed support to move your thoughts and feelings into context.
Many locations provide grief support telephone lines, or support
groups that get together to help each other during their
difficult transition phase. If you need support, choose the type
of sharing that you feel gives the optimal help for YOUR
situation. Your veterinarian will have some referrals available
(privacy assured).
Reprinted with permission from www.animalhealthcare.ca
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